I like this song so much... challenge for you guys out there...try to guess what is it all about?

Satu – Dewa
Aku ini adalah dirimu
Cinta ini adalah cintamu
Aku ini adalah dirimu
Jiwa ini adalah jiwamu
Rindu ini adalah rindumu
Darah ini adalah darahmu

reff: Tak ada yang lain selain dirimu
Yang selalu ku puja
Ku sebut namamu di setiap hembusan nafasku
Ku sebut namamu, Ku sebut namamu

Dengan tanganmu aku menyentuh
Dengan kakimu aku berjalan
Dengan matamu aku memandang
Dengan telingamu aku mendengar
Dengan lidahmu aku bicara
Dengan hatimu aku merasa

repeat reff

i arrived in KLIA at around 8 am. i know, i said that i will be taking the 1005am flight and only arrive at 11.05, suddenly there was some empty seats on the earlier plane, and i decided to hop in instead of doing nothin in changi. been spending the whole night eating, surfing the net, playing x-box..did everything besides sleeping.

the first thing happened to me in the airport, my dad was there to fetch me, but it seems like he couldn't recognize me. maybe it was my long hair, maybe it he really didn't see me. the best part was, he looked at me for few secondes, until my brother told him that it was me, then he was a kind of realize that he the person he stared just now was his own son. pretty funny, no problem...

went back home, there was not too much change. my mom re-arrange some furniture, my 2 brothers seemed to lose some weight, my mom was...as pretty as she alway be. she prepared nasi lemak for me, complete with sambal sotong, sambal udang, kari ketam, and other standard nasi lemak complimentaries. at least i had 3 rounds of them, tastes so..so..great!!! delicious as it always be since the last 23 years.

didn't stay long at home, 3pm i was out again. brought together some clothes and head my way to K.L, particularly pertama complex. the main goal is to go back to shah alam. pertama complex was just a terminal. i want to see again, with my bare eyes, the real malaysians(pertama complx is a place of people from middle class income below goes to shop). i want to see these people again . wanna look if there are any changes since the past 3 months... in the same time i was surveying for new handphones. really need to get a new one. it was just a shocking moment to see myself loosing art of bargaining. i ended up had a lower price, but still can be considered high for the types of phone i was aiming for.

then i made my way to mid valley megamall. this time, my goal was to see again another goup of people, the higher end ones. had spicy chicken in my favourite thai place, walked around, made my way to shah alam. ktm kommuter..

reached padang jawa station just at 8.28pm. i was suppose to stop in shah alam station but accidently fall asleep. anyway its a good thing too, instead of taking a bus way to medec for SIFE meeting, its closer for any of my friend to come and fetch me. faezah was the person. literally she was the first friend i meet ever since i reach this wonderful land of malaysia. in SIFE office, there was a bunch of old-timers and a group of new members. it was just a beautiful feeling ot get to see those faces that i have miss for the past three months. hugged each of them...i was so happy.so..so..happy.spent some time with them, about 10pm, session with newbies ends and we started our meeting.thats the main reason why i have been keepin myself awake throughout the day, so i can be here.

12am, joined edzuan and edzral for a drink, actually i planned to go back to jati and get some rest. there are a lot of things to be done tomorrow. but again, this people is a bunch of people that i love to hang out with. sat in rafi section 13 (where i had roti canai telur, some maggi gorneg telur mata, 2 sets offrench toast,and 2 sets of roti bakar) for few hours before we decide to drive here, ss15 subang for an internet cafe. it is now 5.25am, and i am still here, awake.

things happens today, the eating part and the meeting back people, to get to see the real malaysians again..really made my day today. i dont feel awkward at all to get back to this life. hopefully it will remains this way. peace, love and harmony...

changi airport, one of the best airport in the world, i personally have no doubt about it.until today i haven't see any other aiport that provides free internet access to its users beside this airport and hong kong. when will klia follow this step? i have no idea. as the government is telling every individual in the country to be IT literated, as to cope with the global trend adn as a part of preparation to face globalisation, there are organizations that decide to take a step behind. it was funny to see how univesitites in Malaysia, most of them were public universities to shut down the internet access from students' room under the label of protecting morality of the students. even in some that still allows the connection, some sites were banned from the system. talk about communication technology when the students cannot even log into yahoo! or msn messanger? hahahaha..funny, rite..

lets move on...

i am getting closer to home. despite the sadness that i felt the moment i left U.S.A, i am a little exited now to get home. in fact, the picture of the cakoi i used to have since i was a school kid keeps playing in my mind. the moment i saw penang(they spell it 'pinang') on the aircraft map, it feels like i am going to sit in the chinese coffe shop while having nasi kandar back to my father's place in jelutong, penang. just to share some fact, tan sri ghazali sheikh kadir, malaysian embassador to washington d.c told me that he also goes to the same place to have nasi kandar. so to those who think that their nasi kandar is better, try to beat that. Dr, Mahathir , our ex-prime minister goest to "Line Clear" , also another nasi kandar place that I go. i don't play with all these fake 'kayu nasi kandar' or any other in the same league. thanks to my dad for teaching me and showing me the real quality of nasi kandar.

the challange for me now is, to get back to the original lifestyle and to cope with it. sounds pretty easy, huh. i personally think that it sould not be much of a problem. but still, there are small voices in me keep telling me to be aware to any unexpected events. i will do that, just hoping that it shall not be that hard for me to handle with.

shall leave now, will come back if i have time...

'balik kampung, oooo balik kampung, oooo balik kampung, hati girang....
oooo balik kampung, oooo balik kampung, oooo balik kampung, hati girang...'

finally guys, it comes to the end. my 3 months stay in the U.S.A has come to the end. i am on my way home, transiting in narita for 5 hours. its just another airport, things are expensive and i hardly manage to find anything to buy, not even food yet.

anyway thats all besides the point. what am i feeling now? its a combination of various feelings. i am a bit happy as its only few more hours until i got to see faces that i have been missing since the last 3 months, anxiety is another, how am i going to cope with the new set of life. a lot of things has happened since the time i left malaysia. besides, i got to work hard to accomplish my personal goals, for the past 3 months, i took chance to do some reflection session to myself and listed some resulutions to be fulfilled. this time, i will work hard to make all of them come true. no more funny little never-able-to-accomplish targets. its now real, i even did SWOT analysis for it.

the journey here from L.A, i guess i was blessed. yes, i travelled alone, but i got one nice lady from japan, she was on her way home after completing her 3 years study in the states. a very nice lady, can talk to her about a lot of stuffs, fumika, if you are reading this, hope you are already home and got to have all the foods you have missed all these while

got to go, no money to pay for the internet anymore..

this may sound a little complicated for you, but i just wanna write it anyway.

in life, there are stages where you sometimes feel so confused about yourself, who you are, what are you doing, why are doing, the thing that you are doing, do you believe that you are doing the right thing, and how long do you think you are able to do the thing you are doing, when it seems the outcome is gonna be nothing? i guess, that's what i'm feeling now, i guess it is a little more complicated, but i just don't know how else shall i put it in words..

there are times, when you feel so down, when you feel like you got nothing out of all the hardwork you do, but you still wanna do it, hoping that it will someday turns good and make your day. but hope is one thing that has hurt a lot of people, hope has also cheered up zillions of people...

shall i stay on the line, go thru it, and rely on hope? how if, by staying in the line would make things worse? is it worth to gamble, taking all the risks, swallowing all the pain?

i just haven't decide on anything yet, maybe i am just too scared to make any decision yet...

life is great...

hello..

just arrived here yesterday..now in hollywood blvd, touring around this place without private transport is really a fuss..damn, hope could have more money to spend on renting cars, by teh way, this place is not as good as i thought, actually it is just a boring area, i'm talking about los angeles as general..feels like i made wrong decision to come here instead of stying longer in new york, anyway, its just a journey..

take care..

it has been 6 days since my last post. i am currently in new york city, particularly in the tourism malaysia office here. we (bob, is, and me) are staying with a malaysian lady that got married with a morrocan guy. nurul and said. they are really nice, fetched us at the metro station, let us stay in their place, drove us around, and sometimes i feel that they are more exited to make sure we see all things we should see here in new york. actually i got here yesterday, and we spent the first dayin new york in the most unexpectable way, and it was great...nurul and her husband brought us to a malaysian restaurant called 'penang' we had roti canai, char kuey teow, nasi lemak, mee udang, tauhu sumbat..and lots of stuffs...later went to bronx, queens, long island..and at night, we went to mr.rahim, a malaysian, i guess he is ms.nurul's boss..they had an open house+party where all malaysians nearby to come and heve a good time of ourselves.

i will come back..got to go and watch the city..

august 14th,2005

guys, i got to do this quick. finally it comes to the end. i got to leave this place. i got to move on in life. the whole group wre going to washington d.c for a 5 days conference and on the 20th,the program ends, leaving us on our own. i personally will go to new york and los angeles. i have to say, it feels really hurt when you already like the place, manage to adapt to the envrinment, get close with the people, and make friends, and now, before you know or realize, its time for yo to leave. this is not the forst time i got to face this kind of situation, but this is the time where it really..really gets into me. i took 3 days to pack my stuffs, i couldn't believe that i got to pack now and go. it feels like yesterday rakin and me arrived here with lots of hope. it feels like i still got a lot of things to do here. it really feels like i am just a part of people overhere. there will be no more downtown explorers, there will no more sharades in the square, there will be no more 6 hours sitting in the mudhouse, there will no more kendo in the middle of the square, there will no more cool old guy playing guitars, singing country, there will be no more, the chance where i can climb on the wall, get the screen up, and play outdoor movies, no more...no more...

this place, thought me a lot about life, where people be people, where i learn to be truth and fair to myself, the place where i learn to accept rejection..

i hate this, i hate the feeling that i am feeling now.

be brave, imran, be strong, imran...holdon tight...

i hae no more guts to write...

August 11th 2005

Another day to come, telling me that I don’t have much time to spend here anymore. Springfield, Missouri. Wish that I would be able to make full use left time over here. As I said before, I am starting to like this place, but now I got to leave it. No problem, it’s just a part of life. Got to cope up with it anyway. The time will come; I just wonder how I would face it. Be strong, Imran… LIFE IS GREAT!!!

Remember yesterday, when I talked about my wristwatch? Today, another thing that I love has left me forever. Physically it is here, but the soul is no more there. Ladies and gentlemen, announcing the death of my one and only, thumb drive. Starting today, it is officially out of function. A costumer service officer in Best Buy, a store selling electronic gadgets has confirmed it. Actually I got a lot to talk about this my very first thumb drive, but I guess it’s gonna bore you guys, actually me too. Just fell sad when all my beloved stuffs ‘left’ me all in the same time…*sigh*

Went out to…again, Battlefield Mall, Primerode Marketplace, South Wal Mart,..I was glad..Rakin finally fulfilled one of his biggest dreams, (with some sort of motivation from me).He got himself a brand new electric guitar..plus amplifier just for 70 dollars!!! That was such a gggrrreeaat price compare to what he can get back in Malaysia.

Got back, hungry…cooked dinner, try on the new guitar, bla..bla..

Something about myself..

Being myself, I got several problems. One of it is not being able to express myself right. This morning, I was walking with a person that I really want to praise for his/her beautiful personality. The problem is just; I don’t know how to do that. As we were walking, I kept trying to say those words but most of them didn’t come out. Realizing that if I don’t do it that time, then I wonder when will I do it, I finally took a deep breath, tried to arrange words to say the right things… the moment I opened my mouth, all those words were gone, but still I got to speak. The message came out, maybe not in the best form I want it to be, but I guess at least it was really honest, straight form the heart. The respond was nice. I’m happy. At least, the message got sent, and in good manner.

Life is great…

August 10th, 2005

After 2 days trying hard to find it, I finally have come to the end of my searching…yes, the search and rescue team is pulling out..with failure. Guys, for the second time (consecutively) I have lost my beloved wristwatch. Damn!!! All the stuff that I love normally will leave me in such an unexpected way, leaving me here living in sorrow. I know some of you would say it is just a wristwatch. I can get a new one anytime. The problem is, in my life, things that I really concern when it comes to my appearance were just my wristwatch and my shoes. I would never mind to wear something cheap, as long as I feel good about it, as long as it make me feel comfortable and confident with myself. Previously, I lost my beloved Guess? Microsteel in a hospital when I was paying a visit to my good friend’s dad. I bought that watch as a birthday present from me to myself, after I receive the first paycheck from MARA for my study loan. Still remember the day I went to Damansara Jaya, there is a factory outlet stre for guess, Raoul, Mambo,and some other good brands, the moment I saw that watch, I have just several dollars in my pocket. Thank God Kadak and Nailah was there, they lend me some money (which I pay right the day after). Together for my birthday that year, ( it was 2 years ago) I bought myself that wristwatch, a pair of shoe from beetle bug (and I still wear it until today), and a new pair of eyeglasses (the one you seeing me wearing today and for the past 1 year). After I lost that watch, I have not been wearing any wristwatch for several months, until a good friend of mine told me that he bought his watch at one of the stall in KLCC (one of those in the LG floor) only for 20 bucks. It looks pretty nice and I went to the place the day after, found the watch I love, bought it without doubt. First I thought that it will just gonna be a temporary until I find a ‘real’ watch. Time passed by very fast, and until today I did never find any wristwatch that I like. I mean, I found some of them that I like, but they are either not really attractive, or will cost me too much of money.

This watch, I bet the one that I can call the survivor of any of my watch i ever had. The previous watch crowned with that title was the watch I wore back in the days when I was in form 4. That watch, I bough from a local pasar malam near the place I live was so good. I used to skate back during those days. The normal tradition when you skate, you are likely to fall often, with various acrobatic moves. This watch, was able to take all that. It got scratched so badly but I could still see the needles. Once a my classmate made a joke that if I don’t get myself a new watch, she will create donation box for me to buy me a new watch. It was finally reach its limit on the day I first got to do the grind. It was only a 50-50 grind but it made me fell quite badly and the watch’s strap was cut as the effect when I myself ’50-50 grind’ on the floor. Broke the glass and that’s the end of it.

The recent watch that I have just lost, went through a lot more pain. It is suppose to be not water proof ( 20 rinngit watch ma…), but it got into water for uncountable times, the strap got cut for several times, with various of reasons. But still, I sew them back. And I was proud to answer people each time they asked me the reason why the watch got too much stitches. It even went to a situation once in Keningau, Sabah, both side of the strap got cut, but I need a watch to wear. Can’t live without it, my life will go upside down. So I went to one street tailor, asked his favor to sew the strap back. He did it, the moment I wanted to pay; he refused to receive any money. Maybe he was sad to see, for the first time after years he became a street tailor, a guy came and asked him to sew a watchstrap instead of a shirt, pants, or anything like it. The recent cut was last month when we went to Arkansas, it was the time when we played basketball, and somebody has just brilliantly scratched my wrist instead challenging the ball, effect: total damage. The strap got cut, the head was torn apart. I thought that was the end of it. The moment I got back to the hotel room, I found out that it could still be saved. The ‘save-my-watch’ operation carried 1 or 2days after that as result of lacking of equipment. I know that to find a new watch seemed to be a nice idea, in addition I am in U.S.A, and so I would have more reason to do that. The problem is, a)I hardly find wristwatch that I like even the last time Feroz told me that there was a Guess? watch on sale for 30 dollars in Dillards, I refuse to even go(even I still consider to do that). I just feel that I love this watch so much until I don’t need a new one. But now, when I need it the most, it is not there. Come back, my beloved AMtoPM 20 ringgit watch…anyway lie is all about come and go, rite?

Today is really a a p.c and p.c lab day…the moment I woke up today, called a friend of mine for a morning walk, she didn’t pick up the phone, guess she was having the best sleep of her life…then I started writing the essay to be compiled during the 5-days conference in Washington D.C this coming week. Felt that my brain didn’t really work well in the morning; I decided to start the first phase to pack my stuffs. Done with that, I walked myself to the p.c lab for the ‘first session’. 2pm walked back with anuar, cooked lunch. 4pm I was back here. 11pm, finished the essay, walked back with bob for meeting with jeff, 2am, I am back here..and here I am..p.c lab with syahz…nitey nite people..

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
Greenday
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

This is the song I have been listening to throughout the day.

How would you feel when you wake up in the morning and realize that things that you have been going thru for the past 3 months is about to end? All the joy and pain, happiness and sorrow, laugh and tears for the past three month, will finally become just a permanent memories in your mind? All the emotions, all the bonded friendship, all the things you have gone through with these wonderful people you never thought to ever meet in your life…will soon no more stand in front of your eyes every morning you wake up from to face new days. The scary part is... you have just realized that it is about time when you need to get prepared to face a new part of life. Another turning point, where this time you might need to adjust your life all over again… to be able in identifying changes, and finding out ways adapt, and to cope with them.

Yes, I am talking about my upcoming life, the moment I got back to Malaysia. I got to really plan and get myself prepared with anything. From my daily routine, to classes, to my co-curriculum, to my family, my new environment, basically, it’s a kind of new life to go… the hardest of all, I got to face a person that I never ever want to give any unfortunate news… we got to sit down and have a man to man talk. For good…

Let’s move on, today has been such a memorable day for me to remember. It may seem that I was just having another day out with the girls (syahz, camme, bynie, stefanie, fea), but for me it was much more than that. I guess, maybe I feel that I don’t have much time to spend with these people anymore, no matter it is one of them of all of them, so I better make use on whatever chance I have, so there will be no regrets in the future. Do I sound like a person that is about to die real soon? Maybe… who knows…?

Even that I feel like living in sorrow in the earlier part of the day, the moment I had some chat with anuar (ustaz) over lunch (it was white rice + yesterday’s masak lemak kuning)…life started to be interesting… got t o battlefield mall, bumped into a guy that has been living in Brazil for the past 26years, and now he is back in U.S to got his family back together and bring them back to Brazil…in 2 years of time. Later walked myself to SEARS, to change my newly bought perfume, and I found it was not worth doing it. As I still have 1 hour to wait for the bus, I sat on the bench in the mall, try to get some rest. I didn’t have enough sleep last night. The next thing I know, it was only 5minutes to bus… guess what? I accidentally fall asleep on the bench, where people are walking continuously, back and forth in front of me.

Got in the bus, met the girls at the buffet house (they left early to Primrose Marketplace to have lunch). Started the event where Fea surveyed her to-be new mp3 player in Best Buy, Syahz to sell her used pants brought from Malaysia to the Plato’s, followed by Rue 21(bynie, syahz, myself), Shoe Carnival(Bynie and Stef got themselves new pair of shoes each, tj Maxx where Syahz returned one of her newly bought jeans-it was too big,and changed size for another(she got 2 of them), I bought a new Dockers wallet for my dad…then to bedbath and ….?... cannot recall..camme and fea got themselves new luggage bags…next. It was Target (all girls shops like mad here) I bought a 35 cent-marcoroni and cheese dinner. Got back, cooked it, gedebak gedebuk..here I am, computer lab..

I need to go now... wanna wake up early... goodnite...

08/08/2005

and it begins, the last week to stay in springfeild. i really have to say that it wtill feels like i have just get hre yesterday. i still remember those sad moments, where i was thre to send the other interns on their way here while i was stuck there and got to drive back with sorrow remembering my beloved people to get to watch the U.S SIFE National Comp. and Exposition, one event that i really wnated to go most..has been listed in my 'must go' since i went to last year's SIFE world cup. they were there, grabbing each and every opportunity available, when i was stranded in shah alam, making hell lots of phone calls to the embassy...asking if my visa was ready...just because i have a beautiful name, that unfortunately same as a hated man of the land..my chance of a lifetime got to be thrown ou to f the window..what an ufair world it is..full of pretentious bastards and paraniods.Living in uncertainty...especially regarding this type of matter was a serious pain in my ass. still remember the moment azuan and zamil cooled me down..when i was watching them..leaving me with extreme joy and happiness, i was about to burst.it has been such a long time since my last tears. i just hate it when i always got to wait longer to get whatever i want in life. no matter in any part of it. study, cerrier, lovelife, skills, whatever shits they would be...i sometimes wonder...what sin did i commit to gain this kind of punishment? when i want something so badly, but i will always ended up be the person to see the others to walk away with them .. damn!

today is not really a day where there were lots of things to talk about..just anuar and me cooked for all of us(the girls too...diornag masak nasik)..had talapia sweet sour(ustaz's recepie)..chapchai(mine) and telor dadar (mine too)...i later came here(p.c lab) did some stuff, went back, watch t.v, 8pm frank bannett came had some chat, walked to dillons somewhere near 10pm..got back, had white rice+chap chai+ayam masak lemak kuning..and now i am back here...

wonder how i am going to face tomorrow...

imran